My Brother, My Neighbor: Part 2

I would wish to revisit this post because the comment posted in response made me realize that the point I was trying to make did not quite go through.

The concept of SOS is based on four principles; the SOS mother, the SOS brothers and sisters, the SOS house and the SOS village. See the SOS mission as described below on the SOS organization’s site.

Each child needs a mother, and grows up most naturally with brothers and sisters, in their own house, within a supportive village environment.

Our SOS villages are made up of a number of houses as we all know. It is for this reason that I say my neighbor is also my brother since my neighbor’s house is in fact another SOS house. So you see, my brother and my neighbor are not two different things.

I agree that within the SOS community we do not emphasis enough that we are all brothers and sisters and when we do we do not explain it well enough, or even early enough to avoid all the pitfalls that follow when the children in the village forget that they are brothers and sisters.

On the other hand, I believe actions speak louder than words. So we as the older brothers and sisters should set a good example to the younger ones and display this brother-sister concept through our actions. For example, going back to the village to solicit the young children for sexual favors is a no-no. Such a relationship should not be encouraged, or even conceived. Imagine what danger an unwilling child may be in if one older child forces their attention on them? Remember that it is very easy for the older children to move in and out of the village without raising any suspicion. In the same way, it will be very easy to even rape a child. I know this is a worst-case scenario but hey, information never killed anyone.

The question today is, will we encourage the SOS children to see each other as brothers and sisters, or will we ignore this relation and in the process become the greatest danger to those who call us and see us as their big brothers and sisters?

My Brother, My Neighbour

A comment on the previous blog on the SOS holiday program has brought up an issue I wish to discuss. There was a question within the comment on how to make the choice when one decides to host an SOS child for the vacation.

I would like to present a few questions for your reflection. Who is my brother/sister? What is the difference between a house brother/sister and a village brother/sister? What differentiates between a house brother/sister and a village brother/sister?

Personally, I do not make a distinction between the two. My reasoning being that SOS is an extended family, it extends further than the national and continental borders. The SOS philosophy on the family unit enables all mothers to regard the children as their own and from experience; I have seen that any relationship between any members of the SOS family is not based on the house, village, or even the country they come from. How else do you explain how welcome you feel in a village away from home, with a different family who still regard you as one of their own? The uniqueness of the SOS framework enables me to have a home away from home. I know that the village policy of placing guests with particular family works and goes a long way to establish a bond between the visiting SOS child, or even guest and an SOS family. Some of the village fathers go an extra mile to ensure that the visitor has some things in common with the visitor. For example, I visited a village once and I was placed with a family that had children of the same age, attending college as I was and that was exceptional service.

On the village level, I feel that each SOS child is a potential brother or sister. Let me dabble with some statistics to put my point across. Take a village like SOS Nairobi for example, where we have a total of 16 houses. If a child is brought to SOS today, the probability that the child will be placed in my family house is 1/16, a chance which will make him/her my brother or, sister. So, the only reason that any other SOS child is not my house brother/sister is purely administrative, meaning we have no control where the child is placed. I feel this is enough reason to regard and other SOS child as my brother or sister. I use the same argument to explain why marriages between SOS children from the same village should be discouraged, but that is a topic for another day.

To answer the questions that the host should play, I suggest being a mentor for the child will be the best thing to do. Guide them on making career, or personal choices. Listen to their dreams and aspirations. From experience, i think just listening goes a long way. Some of the kids have ideas already, they just need some input on how to go about it. Find more ideas in our previous posts. I am assuming that you are hosting a child who has a relationship with you. I also wish that we could pose the challenge to the village fathers, mothers and educators on what their expectations may be and perhaps we can develop a manual on how to mentor a child. I would also like to ask if anyone has suggestions on what advice, experiences etc. worked for them, or not as they were growing up in the village.

Holiday Program

A while back there was a comment on how the holiday program is successful. I don’t know exactly how the program works today, but I can attest the fact that it many not be as positive as intended. I have some thoughts on the program that I wish to share.

The intentions of the holiday program are good, and I do not refuse that in some settings it may work out and the desired results be realized. I speak from experience and my views are based on discussions I have had with some of the children. I personally think more work should be put into it for the results to be desirable.

• I am sure that the scenario is slightly different in today's case, but for a long time going to your relatives was perceived as the ultimate punishment. I regret that this notion is still there and some kids actually feel they are being punished. I believe there should be preparation for the children to explain why they need to visit their relatives; this can be done by the mothers at home or even the older brothers and sisters. Not forgetting the youth leader and educators.
• I think some background check on the relatives should also be done. The reason I say this is, as much as we say we are going to visit relatives, some of the circumstances that made us come to SOS may have resulted from family feuds. Some children are not welcome at their relative’s homes, and some relatives will not hide this from the children. Other children have inherited land or property that their relatives are not ready to relinquish. I fear that there are some who will stop at nothing to claim their relative’s property.
• This case is a problem that has been there for a long time and I hope it will change, or has changed. I feel that some of the comments made by the educator, mothers or even the youth leaders to the relatives play a major role in the relative’s perception of the children. Picture this, your relative (niece, cousin or whatever the relation) is brought to stay with you for vacation and the guardian has nothing nice to say about them. Will you have a positive outlook to the stay, or you will see a difficult child in your care?
• Another downside of the program is the differentiation it makes between the children whose relatives are known and those whose relatives are not known. I have heard one of the kids being teased mercilessly over the fact that she has no known relatives. This is a cause for concern for the mothers as well because the children without relatives end up spending the vacation with her and the others away from home. From a child’s point of view, does that mean the ones staying home have a different relationship with the mother than those going away to visit relatives? This may not be a grownup’s reality, but for the children, these will be some of the questions going through their minds.

The program is not a complete failure; with some work, it can be a tool that can be used to expand the SOS children’s world view. It can help eliminate some of the shortages we face in life outside the confines of SOS. A lot of work needs to be done though to make is work positively. I think it is better to do something once and do it well, rather than do it badly over and over until the lesson is lost.

It is not my intention to paint the program, or relatives in a bad light. I am just referring to the scenarios that may lead to failure. There are relatives out there who influence the children positively and have contributed tremendously to their success in life.

Today’s Challenge
Could you host a child from the village to stay with you for the vacation? If not, what would prevent you from doing that?